


Today I am...

by xxDreamy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Death, Depression, Fire Messages, Grieving Magnus Bane, Heavy Angst, Letters, Loss, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Pain, Shadowhunter!Alec, Tears, War Against Demons, Warlock!Alec, alternative universe, warlock!Magnus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-08-10 12:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20135773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxDreamy/pseuds/xxDreamy
Summary: In his world, Magnus Lightwood-Bane lost his husband and doesn’t know how to cope with it. He didn’t get to say goodbye so he starts writing letters. He sends fire messages, trying to relieve some of his pain. He doesn’t know where they go but he secretly hopes they are in his late husband’s possession.In his dimension, which is controlled by war against all demons, Alec Lightwood-Bane is grieving his long gone husband who he considered his whole world. He tries to live again without thinking about his loss but he is too broken to do this. One day he receives a fire message from the last person he could expect.How will the letters affect two souls that are slowly falling apart and what will be a result of their newly found connection?





	1. NUMB

**Author's Note:**

  * For [malecswedlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecswedlock/gifts).

> Hi! 
> 
> I saw this prompt on Meisha's twitter account (again) and I changed it for my likings. It's heavy angst, hard to write and hard to read so it's your choice. I hope you'll like it tho. And I hope I will be able to finish it because this is the first time I post something without having it written to the last word. Keep your fingers crossed for me. And don't leave me too soon, I will need time for it.
> 
> You can find me under a #TodayIAmFic hastag on twitter.
> 
> I send you all hugs, you will need them! <3
> 
> D.

Magnus feels numb.

He feels numb when he opens the portal in his loft.

He feels numb when he rushes into the crowded walls of the Institute.

And he feels numb when he runs into the infirmary.

The room is quiet, too quiet for Magnus’ liking, and completely dark, lightened only by a small lamp in the corner.

The small light is enough for Magnus to notice him.

Alexander Lightwood-Bane is laying on the bed in the middle of infirmary, his body unmoving, his skin pale.

Magnus doesn’t register the moment his hand shots to his mouth, stopping it from letting out a loud sob. He stumbles on his feet, trying to come closer but someone catches his arm firmly. Isabelle is looking at him with tears in her eyes, concern covering her features. He blinks at her, trying to focus on her irises but he can’t do this when his own are so blurry. He is able to notice Jace, practically curled up by the wall, Maryse who is leaning on Luke’s shoulder and Simon who rests his hand on Isabelle’s arm for the whole time she tries to steady Magnus.

They all are broken.

And so is he.

He hates himself for yanking his hand so hard from her grip but it’s the only way he can get closer. He needs to get closer. Alexander is okay. He has to be. He can’t be-

“Magnus, he’s-”, Izzy chokes on her words and Simon immediately hides her in his arms.

_Dead, _Magnus finishes in his head, thankful that it’s too painful for Isabelle to utter this word out loud. Magnus doesn’t want to process it. He won’t. His fingers rest on Alec’s chest and he waits, counting in his head, praying for his palm to move up, to show his husband is still breathing. But he knows it’s useless. There is no air left in his lungs, no breath he can let out from his body. He is dead. Gone. He left him. He is not here anymore.

He moves his hands to his face, caressing his cheeks slowly, trying to remember everything about him. His hazel eyes are open but there is no fear in them. Magnus wonders why no one closed them, why no one spared him this painful experience.

Maybe they couldn’t. Maybe they didn’t know how to say goodbye.

His thumb and forefinger rest on Alec’s eyelids and he shuts them, letting out a shattering breath. He leans closer to his face, his lips gently touching his forehead.

It’s too much, he can’t do this.

He falters, losing his balance, and falls directly onto Alec’s chest, his cheek pressed to his black jacket. Even through the layers of clothing Magnus can feel the coldness of his skin and the lack of heartbeat that once lulled him to sleep every night. His fingers glow, his magic wraps protectively around Alec, every cell in Magnus’ body screams, trying to find a way to close his husband’s wounds, trying to force air into his lungs.

This can’t be happening. Magnus refuses to believe that.

He wasn’t prepared, it’s too soon, he was too young. He can’t be gone.

And yet, he is. Magnus can do nothing about it.

This time he doesn’t stop the sob that escapes him. He doesn’t stop the next one either. And the next one.

Tears are strolling down his cheeks, wetting Alec’s grey shirt, mapping his pale skin under it.

“I didn’t get to say goodbye”, he cries out, falling to his knees. A loud noise resonates into the room but he can’t hear a thing. He can’t pick any sound up. It’s all so messed up, unclear. Something is dripping, probably his own tears, and there is a warm wetness on his elbow but he can’t care enough for it right now, leaning against the table, his forehead pressed to the cold surface of the bed. “I didn’t get to say goodbye”, he whispers, brokenly, gripping the limp cold hand in his own, desperately hoping for any move.

“Magnus”, Maryse’s voice is too loud for his ears, he can barely stand it. “Give me your arm, you’re bleeding”, it’s too muffled for him to understand. He wants to focus on Alexander, on his heartbeat. It can come back any second. It has to.

“Magnus”, it’s Simon’s voice but it’s so subdued. Magnus can’t focus on anything, he feels like floating. He can’t breathe, his chest feels to heavy, his sobs take all the air he stored in his body. He chokes on his own tears, unable to stop himself.

“Magnus”, someone says but he can’t tell who uttered those words. He’s falling and crashing, all at once, Everything hurts and he knows it but he can’t feel the pain, it’s too far away.

He wants to die.

Maybe he will.

He desperately hopes so when his world turns black.

It has been two years since he lost them. Since he lost him.

He remembers every second. Every touch. Every kiss.

And he feels numb every time he thinks about this.

Alec Lightwood-Bane has been alive for so long he can barely remember his first memory. It’s been many years for sure. Many mistakes and many obstacles. And he hates the fact he survived them all.

There are many things you should know about him, many details he would not share with anyone. But here you are, ready to understand his story.

He was born as a son of Maryse Lightwood who was newly married to Robert Lightwood at this time. Son of a Shadowhunter and a Demon, hybrid with an unusual blood. Blessed with a sibling, a sister, his other half. A twin. It goes without saying that Maryse was raped just after she got married to Robert. Raped by a demon she encountered on one of her midnight patrols. She was left in an alley, in the pool of her own blood, with the blood of her comrades spreading around her. She came back home, claiming herself as untouched and blessed by the Angels, saved from the fate her friends were doomed with. She used a glamour rune and successfully hid her pregnancy from other Shadowhunters, including her own husband. Her brother, Gideon, was the only one to know but he died when she was eight months pregnant. She gave birth to him and Isabelle, in an abandoned building at the outskirts of the city where no one could hear her screams. She delivered two unseen creatures she wanted to slay after they left her body. But she knew she couldn’t do it the second she saw them. They were too pure, too innocent. So she found a warlock, Ragnor Fell, who helped her so she was able to raise them. He became her friend, someone she relied on, someone who protected her children from the inevitable future that was ready for them if they were ever discovered. Ragnor never called himself their father and Maryse never called him this name. He was more like an uncle, a good uncle that secured their safe childhood. After ten years, drawn by duty, Robert Lightwood decided to extend his lineage, aware that it would die out without him. One year later Maryse gave birth to his first and only son, Max Lightwood who later became one of the most cruel leaders this earth has ever known. But at first, he was just a child, as all of them. A child Alec and Isabelle grew to love. They had two years with him, Maryse was able to sneak him out to visit them at Ragnor’s house he mostly left empty. They knew how to take care of themselves and he was a busy man, needed on the loud streets of London. He accepted his position as High Warlock there when they turned ten and he knew he could rely on their abilities, both human and magical ones. When they were thirteen years ago and their half-brother was two, Maryse Lightwood was somehow caught visiting them. Ragnor’s walls were strong, incredibly strong, but his absence must’ve weakened them or maybe they knew for so long they were able to weaken them themselves. Alec still doesn’t know. During that time, hatred for creatures with demon blood was indescribable and contacting them was highly forbidden, under penalty of death. Maryse decided to protect her children when one of the Shadowhunters present in Ragnor’s house went on them, trying to catch them. She stopped him long enough and Alec was able to create a portal which took him and Izzy out of the house. That was the last time they saw her. When they were older, they found out she was executed the day after this incident, accused of crime against Clave and all Shadowhunters. The Trueblood lineage died out this day, leaving no Shadowhunter who would bear this name. Maryse’s children didn’t count or so it was said. Alec and Isabelle took the Lightwood name because they wanted Shadowhunters to suffer. They wanted them to know that in some way they both belonged to their community. With this action they put disgrace on Robert’s name. Disgrace he had never got rid of.

They managed to find Ragnor in London. He helped them as he always did. He wasn’t able to regain his house because it was practically contaminated by Shadowhunters. Deadly traps were waiting for warlocks in every corner. He found them a new house, a small one, in a quiet city of Paris. They stayed there from this moment and it was where their whole story began.

A month after Maryse’s execution the war broke out. An awful, unstoppable war against all creatures with demon blood.

But it’s something we are going to go back to. Let’s start with the siblings’ stories.

After Izzy turned twenty, she met Meliorn, a seelie who she was fascinated by. They shared the same type of blood and Isabelle always sought for answers. But that was the only thing they shared, they were different on every other level. They spent almost two years together though, brought together by love, without any tricks or understatements. They split up at one, deciding this relationship wasn’t working for them. This day Isabelle Lightwood started her search for her perfect match, someone she could spent her life with. She dated mortals and immortals and yet, she had never found her place until one crazy night in New York when she sneaked there without Alec’s knowledge. But that must wait, we can’t just jump hundred years forward. It’s Alec’s turn now.

Alec met Magnus on the day of his twenty third birthday, poetic one could say. Alec was sitting in a café, sipping his favourite coffee when someone sat in front of him.

“Hi”, he said then. Alec remembers how his voice sounded, sweet and delicate but still powerful. “Ragnor, my old friend, read: two hundred years, met in a pub when I was wasted as fuck, yeah, details”, he clicked his tongue. “Well, Ragnor told me he doesn’t want someone to be alone on his birthday and unfortunately, I owed him a favour because I blinked at poker once and didn’t notice _that _card”, he confessed. “I’m not sure if it’s still ‘unfortunately’ tho”, he smirked flirtatiously. “Do you mind spending a day with me? An innocent, or not”, he winked, Alec remembers. “date. What do you say, pretty boy?”, he asked and Alec actually agreed which rewarded him with a wide smile from Magnus and he knew he was gone the moment he saw it.

Alec thanked Isabelle for being so busy with her stuff that day. He thanked her for going out with this girl she was with at this time. He was already happy she had someone to spend her birthday with but after he met Magnus, he was actually much more thankful and ready to admit that. Yeah, this day ended his ability to tease her. He was doomed. But he had a second date planned, it couldn’t be this bad.

They dated for a year, got engaged and quickly jumped into a marriage which rewarded them with an amazing honeymoon. Two months of bliss Alec will never forget. A war was still going on, not only in New York but in the whole United States at that time. It took another few years until it started spreading to Europe and other continents. If you wonder, yes, they stayed together. Up to this memorable day two years ago.

While Alec was enjoying his time with Magnus, years and years have passed. Isabelle felt lonely, constantly looking for someone to fill the hole in her weary heart. She always was rebellious and one day she decided to go back to New York, she wasn’t there since that day and it was a high time to visit. Somehow she ended up in a secured bar, originally opened by werewolves, turned into a safe place for all demon creatures. It was protected by warlocks’ spells, watched by careful eyes of werewolves and wild stares of vampires and guarded with invisible presence of plants which were summoned by seelies. Everyone could feel safe there and at the same time they couldn’t. At first she wasn’t able to enter, her angel blood stopped her. But then the place recognized her as a seelie of some sort and after it detected a mixed blood in her veins, she entered the quiet place. It was a place where she met someone who put her heart together. Maia was beautiful and witty, Izzy fell for her on this very day. They had never got married, just engaged, after four years. Five years into their relationship, they were caught by Valentine and slaughtered, with a help of The Soul Sword, along with all people who gathered in the bar that day. Magnus and Alec weren’t there this time and Alec has never forgiven himself, no matter how much Magnus tried to convince him they would just die a meaningless death like many others. From that day forward, Alec and Magnus tried to protect any New Yorkers left from their community. Sometimes they succeeded, sometimes they didn’t. And they got used to this.

Alec lost Magnus nine years after Izzy’s death, on a memorable day they found a little kid in an abandoned household. His name was Max, an irony, he was hiding in the building for years, surviving only thanks to his warlock skills. Alec still remembers this morning when he caught this boy in his arms and lulled him to sleep until his breathing turned to normal. He remembers how Magnus kissed his lips saying how proud he is of them. He remembers how Alec asked if the boy could stay in their house and he remembers Magnus agreed. What he remembers the most is the fact they stayed there a minute too long. Valentine’s force entered the room, trapping them completely. And then Valentine came in, a proud look on his face. By the way Magnus gripped his hand in that moment, it was clear he knew they wouldn’t leave the room alive. They didn’t. Well, Alec did. He was holding Max in his arms so Magnus was the first one to be caught by the soldier and brought to Valentine. He tried to fight but they were too quick, trapping his hands in handcuffs that blocked his magic. Alec debated on using his own but he knew there was no use when Valentine took out The Soul Sword, basically boasting about it. He gave Magnus an ultimatum. He was forced to choose who Valentine would kill, Alec or Max. And Alec begged him, reassured him, comforted him as he could. He wanted him to make the right choice. And he did, just in Magnus’ way. He chose himself and the next second the sword was in his chest, taking his last breath and making him choke on his blood. Alec will never forget Max’s screams.

“I said to choose who will die _first_”, Valentine explained with a smirk when Magnus’ limp body slipped on the floor. Alec used every possible spell he knew to stop Valentine’s people from yanking Max from his arms. He couldn’t stop them. They took him. And when he was too tired of yelling and ready to finally die, save himself from this misery, Valentine patted his head with his sword and clicked his tongued few times, saying something about a loss Alec would have to endure. He scratched his chest that day, thirteen times, for every year Maryse kept him a secret. And then another thirteen times, for his already dead sister. He wanted to die that day, left on a cold floor in a quiet house, swimming in a pool of his own streaming blood. He didn’t. The sword may have been deadly for demon blood but something in his angel part must’ve stopped its activity. The cuts weren’t enough to kill him so he stayed alive for another two years. It brings us to the beginning of this story.

But before we really start, you should know something about Valentine, as it was promised. You probably wonder how it is possible for him to live so long. How Alec is able to be almost two hundred years old and Valentine, a Shadowhunter, is still alive. The fact is Valentine is in possession of two of three Mortal Instruments. The Mortal Cup and The Soul Sword. He has never found The Mortal Mirror. He used The Mortal Cup to create more Shadowhunters, his own army, telling himself he does it on behalf of Angels. But he discovered that giving the same substance to already existing Shadowhunters made them stronger, faster and younger which meant with a right amount of blood, Valentine was able to extend his life to the unknown for humans limits. His children joined him. All three of them.

Jonathan Morgenstern, his firstborn and the one who made him the proudest. The Shadowhunter successfully infected with pure demon blood. A hybrid he dreamed of. Perfect, unstoppable combination, destined to kill all demons in the world by his own sacrifice. Valentine couldn’t use him yet, he was too precious to waste him so fast. So he kept him, treated him like a son. Fooled him. And he still does fool him. Everything for a mission.

Clarissa Morgenstern, his second child. Another person he experimented on, this time infected with pure angel blood. A success he will forever celebrate, till the end of time.

Jace Herondale, the boy he kidnapped after he murdered his parents. Problematic pieces of shit, couldn’t get a thing done, never agreed with his methods or his beliefs. Useless. Jace isn’t aware of his past though, certain he was taken by Valentine when he was left all alone. Thankful for a chance he has given him. Oh, and he also is one of his experiments. Successful, of course. His veins are full of pure angel blood he was injected with.

That must be all you need to know. And it’s all Alec knows. All he remembers.

And as it was said at the beginning, Alec Lightwood-Bane feels numb.

Deprived of family, of love and of hope.

Alone in this world that is slowly falling apart, praying for someone to take his life because whenever he tries, he fails. And believe him, he tried numerous times over the last two years.

But this day, sitting on his couch, crying his eyes out, he catches an unexpected fire message that enters his home.

The envelope is white and elegant, folded carefully. And when he peeks inside he recognizes his late husband’s handwriting.

_Hi,_

_I miss you._

And he faints.


	2. IN PAIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no person who wants to be in pain but pain is an inevitable part of human existence. No one can escape it.  
Not even Magnus Bane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> I'm sorry it took so long but I actually realized I'm a shitty writer because I can't find any good words. I wanted to give you a "nice" angsty experience but it turned out like that and I honestly don't know what I should think about it.  
No beta again so sorry for mistakes.  
I hope you'll enjoy it a little.  
Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> D.
> 
> #TodayIAmFic

There is no person who wants to be in pain but pain is an inevitable part of human existence. No one can escape it.

Not even Magnus Bane.

Pain happens because we care. And when we care, we can lose something. The things we lose can be either material or immaterial but each loss hurts. There is an indescribable list of things we can lose. Loved ones, memories, identities, money. Everyone is overcome by some loss and everyone is in pain because of it.

And so is Magnus.

They say there are five stages of grief and they are right. It’s possible to notice what impact each stage has.

When you think about this, Magnus found himself on the first stage, which is called Denial, when he stumbled into the infirmary and tried to convince himself that his husband hasn’t left the world. Hasn’t left him. He cried and screamed and cried again but whatever prayer he shouted was just a meaningless words sent into the void.

Magnus stayed by Alec’s bed as long as he could. He cradled his late husband’s body in his arms for hours, desperately praying for any move his lover could make to indicate he wasn’t, in fact, dead.

_Dead._

That was the word Magnus couldn’t process. It was tearing his soul apart, piece by piece, with every breath he took to remain conscious. It was… final. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave him. He promised to always be by his side, he wasn’t going to leave him. Not now, not ever. He could just die. Die and pray for himself to be taken somewhere. _Anywhere._ Anywhere he could meet him again, alive and breathing. Where he could kiss him senseless. Where he could scold him for being an idiot. Where he could fume at him because he didn’t keep his promise. Where he could just-

“Magnus”, the female voice says steadily. “Magnus”, it repeats but he doesn’t look at its owner. “Magnus, we need to take him”, someone sounds like they’re choking on tears but Magnus couldn’t care less, squeezing his barely warm hand around Alec’s ice-cold fingers. Someone lays their palm on his shoulder and he shivers visibly. “We’re taking him”, they say but Magnus doesn’t move an inch. “Come on”, this person tugs at his arm, trying to take him with them but he won’t. He _can’t. _He won’t leave him.

“No”, he answers simply and suddenly there is another hand laying on his back.

“Magnus”, a male voice commands but he shakes his head.

“No, no, no”, his head bobs frantically to the sides. “No”, he repeats. Someone sighs behind his back. It’s not an irritated sigh, more like a tired one, from a person that is too worn out to utter any words. Suddenly there are two strong arms circling around his waist and _no, _this is not something Magnus likes. He starts scrambling, trying to yank himself from this grip but the person is steely, never moving a limb, holding Magnus in a tight embrace. He looks down and notices black skin, finally waking himself from a trance. “Luke, no”, he pleads when his friend moves backwards, taking Magnus away from his husband’s bed. “Luke, no. No, let me go, no”, he screams, his voice loud in a quiet room. “No, please, no, let me stay, no”, he tries to escape from his grip. “Maryse, tell him something”, he shouts at his mother but she only covers her mouth, clearly on the verge of tears. “Alexander”, he yells helplessly. “Alexander, no”, he cries loudly. “Let me go, Luke, let me go. Fuck off”, he almost roars but his friend seems unbothered by it. When they finally reach the corridor, Magnus’ arms are tired of scrabbling. “I need to go back there, I can’t leave him alone. No, let me go”, he tries to move past Luke but he catches his shoulders into his arms and shakes him rapidly. Magnus looks at him, his eyes broken and hazy.

“He’s dead”, Luke shouts, his fingers shaking on Magnus’ skin. “He’s dead, you can’t get him back. They need to take him”

“No”, Magnus shakes his head. “They’re not taking him, I won’t let them”, he rushes at the door and is stopped by Luke’s hand again.

“He’s dead, Magnus. Do you understand me? He is dead. He is not alive. He is not there. Look at me”, he commands tiredly. “He is gone”

There is something in Magnus that breaks. He lets out a loud sob, fingers digging into the skin on his hips.

“He’s not. He is _not_”, he tries to convince him but Luke just blinks, his eyes staring at him. “No, no, no”, he says to himself, his hands pulling at his hair.

“Magnus”, Luke repeats again, trying to reach for him but he jumps back, breathing heavily. His hands move of their own accord, creating a shining portal in the room. “Wait, no”, Magnus hears him say before he steps into it, disappearing from his sight.

He lands in their bedroom and stumbles to the bed. Not bothering to take his clothes off, he falls onto the sheets, breathing the scent from Alexander’s pillow. He falls asleep like that, with tears strolling down his cheeks, hugging the pillow in his arms. It’s safe. Too safe. He can almost believe his husband is there holding him. Because he is, right? He always is. It’s their bed after all. He always keeps him warm when he comes back from work. And today, he is doing the same. Magnus believes that. He is there with him. He is not gone.

He wakes up in few hours when darkness is present in the room. He smiles lazily, his arms stretching slowly, reaching for his husband. When he doesn’t find him, he sits abruptly, clearly confused. He looks around before he notices his clothes and something clicks in his dizzy head. He jumps out from the bed, shaking rapidly when he stumbles out of the room. His nervous twitch from yesterday is there again and his head is bobbing from side to side, like he’s trying to process the new reality.

“No”, he breathes and it’s clearly too loud for the silence present in the room. He chokes on his breath, trying to swallow a huge lump in his throat. This can’t be happening. It’s not happening. This is impossible. It’s a nightmare. It’s only a nightmare.

By the time he reaches the living room, he is pretty sober, enough to acknowledge the emptiness that surrounds him. This is the exact moment his mind changes the stage he found himself on yesterday. It’s a lap dissolve between one and another. Between Denial and Anger. It’s like crossing a border, choosing a path without a chance to go back.

He screams.

He screams so loud his lungs seem to hurt. He screams so loud his heart is yanking in his chest. He screams so loud that it feels like he could lose his voice. He screams until he can’t scream anymore. He screams until he can’t breathe. He screams until he collapses on the carpet and starts crying. He doesn’t know how long it lasts and frankly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care who could hear him. He just needs to scream.

It’s simple after that. He really can’t control himself. His arms move ferociously, creating red fire. He aims at the table and watches as it burns, brightening up the room. It’s such a good feeling, it fills him, replacing the part of his soul he lost yesterday.

The lamp. The sofa. The cabinet. The painting. The carpet. The books. The door. The curtain. The mirror. The frame. The photo.

_The _photo.

“No”, he cries, pulling himself from his trance and falling on the floor. “No”, he mumbles, crawling to the burning memento, trying to stop the flames that are removing Alexander from their wedding photo. His smiling face is a little dark when the fire disappears. There is no sigh of his hand that was decorated by his shining ring. Magnus can’t take it. It’s like he’s losing him all over again. “Please, come back to me”, he mumbles, his fingers dancing over Alec’s features. “Please”, he curls up on the cold floor and breaks into tears again, his fingers clenching around the small photograph.

_“Hello, Mister Lightwood-Bane”, the voice whispers against his cheek and Magnus smiles, his eyes remaining closed. He hums contently and Alec giggles against his skin, leaving a small tingling kiss there. “Happy third anniversary, Mister Lightwood-Bane”, he whispers, moving his warm lips onto Magnus’ exposed neck._

_“Happy third anniversary to you too, Mister Lightwood-Bane”, he tells him, grinning. His eyes flutter slightly and he looks at his husband who is too busy with mouthing on his collarbone. “Well, hello”, he breathes when Alec bites his sensitive skin, clearly smirking at Magnus’ reaction. He blows on his work when he’s done and he looks proudly at Magnus. _

_“Hi”, he says and Magnus can’t help but move closer and claim his lips into a kiss. _

_“We have a free day”, he states lazily, stretching in Alec’s arms. “We can do whatever we want”_

_“And what is this thing you want?”, Alec teases him and Magnus moves his gaze to stare at his shining hazel eyes._

_“_Things_”, Magnus corrects him and Alec snorts. “Well, I could use a breakfast. Delicious breakfast only my husband can magic up”_

_“And here I thought you are one conjuring things”, Alec tells him, his tone playful. _

_“Yes, yummy breakfast”, Magnus repeats, ignoring his little comment. “And sex. I clearly need sex. Preferably before breakfast”_

_“I didn’t know you could be so blunt”, he pretends to be shocked but Magnus knows best, already shifting closer to his face._

_“Three years into marriage and you don’t know the sex is my priority?”, Magnus sounds offended and Alec snorts at his ridiculous response. “I’ve always been a fan of sex. Sex in the bed, sex in the shower, sex in the kitchen, sex in the training room. Want to renew them all today”, he wiggles his eyebrows and Alec shakes his head with amusement._

_“Okay, come here, you silly”, he says and catches Magnus’ grinning lips into a kiss._

_They don’t leave the bed until noon or maybe later. Magnus doesn’t really know, he is too busy with ogling Alec’s ass. Yeah, what a nice ass it is. He gets his breakfast though. And sex. He definitely gets all the sex he needs._

_“You still think so?”, Magnus asks him this afternoon when Alec is absentmindedly playing with the strands of his hair._

_“Still think what?”, he asks him, his mind too busy with other activities. _

_“That I-”, he swallows. “That we-”, he tries again. “That we could do it, be dads, not screw this up”, Alec leans over him, his honest eyes shining in the dim room. _

_“Yeah”, he breathes slowly. “I still think so”, he admits and Magnus grins. _

_“Okay”, he whispers and Alec lifts his eyebrows at him._

_“Okay?”, he prompts with excitement in his hazel irises._

_“I want to do it. To have it. Family. With you”, he mumbles, his thumbs moving over Alec’s warm cheeks. “I don’t know how yet but I believe we just… figure it out”_

_“Yeah, children just randomly pop onto people’s doorsteps, we just need to wait”, Alec says seriously and Magnus erupts into laughter. He smiles at him brightly and kisses his inviting lips for another time this day. They spend another hour or so enjoying their time, hidden in each other’s arms, unbothered by the world. Their soap bubble is broken eventually when Alec’s phone starts ringing. He draws back from Magnus’ kiss-swollen mouth and reaches for the annoying device._

_“It’s Izzy”, he mutters to Magnus, clearly confused. “Hi, Izzy, what’s up?”, Magnus can hear a slightly trembling voice on the other side. “What?, he says. “Yes, of course I’ll help, give me a second, I’ll be right there”, he says before he cuts the call. “Izzy said they have a highly dangerous demon on the streets and they can’t get a hold on him. He killed three Downworlders, one warlock and two vampires, and at least a dozen Shadowhunters since yesterday. They need someone who can use bow and arrows, she said demon is almost unstoppable in normal fight, they barely stumbled out of this mess few hours ago. God, why didn’t she tell me before?”, his voice is trembling and Magnus has to catch his face in his hands._

_“You’re no longer the Head of the Institute, you’re an Inquisitor now. It wasn’t your worry to have”, he explains, trying to calm him down but Alec jumps out of the bed and starts dressing himself. Magnus quickly joins him._

_“What are you doing?”, Alec asks him._

_“Going with you? How does it look? I’m not letting you go alone. And I’m not staying at home, during our anniversary, worrying if you’re okay. I got used to you being out of the field, can’t let you go on your own”_

_“No”, Alec states. “This thing killed a warlock, I’m not taking the risk”_

_“Well, I’m not taking the risk either. It also killed twelve shadowhunters”, Magnus states angrily and he knows if Alec wasn’t in hurry, he would pick up a fight._

_“No chance, you’re not going”_

_“I am”_

_“No”, he tells him. “You’re staying at home. You would distract me, I would look at you every second”_

_“I can take care of myself”, he says, irritated._

_“That I know but I can’t stop worrying about your safety”, he explains, trying to convince him. “Look, I don’t want to fight, especially not today. I’ll be back soon and we’ll have a lazy evening on the couch. How about that?”_

_“Alexander”, Magnus starts._

_“Please”_

_“No, I’m not letting y-”_

_“Please, I don’t want to lose you”, Alec pleads._

_“Well, imagine I don’t want to lose you either”, Magnus huffs at him and Alec cradles his face in his palms. He kisses his pout away and smiles lightly._

_“I’ll be back soon”, he promises and Magnus squeezes his hands in his fingers. His pleading gaze is not enough to change Alec’s mind and he sighs, defeated._

_“You better keep that promise”, he threatens. _

_“I will, I love you so much”, he kisses him again and disappears into the portal Magnus creates for him. He doesn’t have time to say it back. But he will have his chance later, right? _

He never does. Keep his promise, that is. Magnus should’ve come with him. He shouldn’t have listened to him. He should’ve been stubborn. He should’ve protected him. It’s his fault. It’s all his fault.

“I hate you”, he says, staring at the photo. “I hate you so much, you promised me, how could you?”, he cries. “How could you do this to me?”, he mumbles, swallowing the tears. “It hurts”, he whispers. “It hurts so much. Please, _please_. Please, come back to me, I need you. I’ll do anything, baby. Anything. Just come back”, he pleads, hugging the photo to his chest. “You can’t leave me”, he breathes. “We should’ve had more time”, he states and curls up on the floor. “More time”, he whispers.

He doesn’t get up that day. He spends hours on the hard floor, mumbling empty words to the small photo. He falls asleep like that and he doesn’t care at all. At this point, he just wants to die and he’s ready to consider every opportunity life can give him.

Everything is white again. Just like in the infirmary. It’s all white. He stands in the middle of the room, his hands hovering over his late husband’s body. He can’t see his face because it’s covered by a white sheet and he hates it. He wishes he could see him for the last time. Just once.

“Those remaining will say the names of the fallen”, he hears Jem’s voice in his head and he clenches his fists. People voice the names and when he knows it’s his turn, he takes a deep breath and opens his mouth.

“Alexander”, he barely chokes, not looking at anyone. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane”, he says out loud and breaks into tears. Maryse comes closer, cradling him into her arms and Magnus cries, his tears sliding down his cheeks. He doesn’t care who sees it, it doesn’t matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore.

“Ave atque vale, hail and farewell”, he hears in the background and melts into Maryse’s hug, trying to escape the ringing in his ears. But he can’t.

Alec is gone and he is never coming back again.

There is nothing in the world Magnus would want to change more. But he can’t and this new reality is killing him.

He can’t wait for his own funeral.

It’s so hard to be in pain but that’s how he finds himself here, at his desk, staring at his calendar he hasn’t opened in weeks. He doesn’t plan to open it now.

He conjures writing paper and stares at the blank page, wondering why he did it.

_Hi,_

_I miss you._

He folds it and closes his eyes, breathing shakily. He hopes, he truly hopes this small letter can reach Alexander. And with this thought he snaps his fingers and it disappears in the flames.

If this is the only way he can survive the pain, then so be it. Magnus is ready to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on twitter #TodayIAmFic <3


	3. MISSING YOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart keeps screaming but nobody will ever hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's me again! <3 
> 
> I'm sorry it's not long but if I want to stick to chapters' titles, I need to do this in a specific way. I don't know if it's ever going to be longer than 3k each. Also, no beta again, so forgive me all mistakes.
> 
> I hope you'll like it, let me know! <3
> 
> D.
> 
> #TodayIAmFic

It truly seems impossible to fill the void in your heart someone else left when they abandoned you. Your heart screams hopelessly, chanting four words _I am missing you _on and on, but your brain fights against them which is not helping at all. Sometimes, when you have the chance, your heart wins and you go back trying to find the missing piece. And sometimes, when you’re lucky, there’s a person who gives it to you and you can feel complete again.

Alec Lightwood-Bane is not lucky because this certain piece was taken the moment his lover’s life ended. There is no one here to fill the void, no one to heal him.

His heart keeps screaming but nobody will ever hear it.

Alec wakes up on the couch with unbearable headache. He can hear the blood pumping in his ears, his eyes are swollen from crying, his mouth are dry and he can barely take a breath. He looks around the living room, taking his surroundings in and wondering why he ended up here. It’s not unusual, of course, it happens all the time, him passing out on the couch because his body is too tired of never-ending sobs. But there is something more to it, he realizes, when his foggy mind brings up a vivid memory from last evening. He is so sure that for a second he held a letter which was decorated with his husband’s handwriting. It seems so real that he needs to shake his head to remind himself it was all a dream, _a nightmare_, one he would, frankly, want to go back to. He misses his lover tremendously and the very thought he could feel the same is enough to make his heart skip a bit but also worry because Magnus doesn’t deserve to be upset. He deserves to be happy and take care of Max like they were both supposed to. As much as it hurts, and it hurts too much to express, Alec could never wish this pain to anyone, especially the person he loved the most in the world. The person he _loves _the most in the world.

He clears his throat and takes a deep breath, standing up from the couch. This was just a dream after all and there is no reason to dwell on it. Even if there is a small part of his brain that tells him that maybe this is one of the ways Magnus could contact him from the afterlife and-

_No. Alec, stop._

He swallows the lump that is appearing in his throat and closes his eyes, pinching his eyelids with his thumb and index finger. He needs to stop doing this to himself. He needs to live.

But he knows he can’t do it. His world is falling apart. The war is taking its tool. People he loved are dead. People he considered his friends are not there to support him. He is all alone because everyone has their reasons to hide. Everyone wants to live. Alec was one of them once but he is not anymore.

He starts his morning routine. He eats breakfast, he listens to their old playlist and he steals reports from Institutes in States, especially from New York, to get some updates on what is going on there. The first time he did it was Magnus’ idea, just after they decided to take a small part in this war, help people. They found a blank spaces in Institutes’ wards which were no longer protected by Warlocks’ magic and which couldn’t be fully protected by runes, and they used them to get what they needed – information, supplies, reports, acts. All they needed to make it work. Alec can’t help anyone anymore, or so he tells himself, but he still checks up to see how bad it gets every day. Sometimes, he just wants to disappear from this reality. He could die and he wouldn’t mind. It’s not like he is living his life anymore.

He is not useful, he only spends days on the couch, going through his photos with Izzy and Maia or with Magnus. With every photograph he wishes he could hold them again in his arms. He wants them back but you can’t summon the dead, no matter if you are a simple mortal or a powerful warlock. There are no spells for that. The only way he can cope with it is grieving but it doesn’t work for him either. It’s just-

Everything is so meaningless in his eyes. There is nothing to enjoy, nothing to smile about. He is just a shell of a man he was once.

There is a small part of him that is selfish enough to wish he could find anyone. It doesn’t need to be a lover because Alec is not sure he can ever love anyone again. But he could use a friend, someone who could pull him from his trance. Just another living being, maybe equally broken as he is so they would be able to understand each other.

His life is a living nightmare nowadays and he can’t wake up from it. If he could just join Magnus, if he knew he was there, he would try to reach him. Living without him is pointless so he could as well _die_ _with him_ and they would be together.

_They would, wouldn’t they?_

He rests his head on the headrest, sinking into the sheets and breathes shakily, letting the tears cover his face. Is it always going to be like this? Him with no control over his life, crying his eyes out because this is everything his brain can prompt him these days. It’s unbearable. He won’t last for long. He has already survived much longer than he should.

He hears a quiet whistle of air and something lands on his lap. He chokes on his breath, shutting his eyes tightly, his body shaking with fear. He’s going crazy, it’s the final straw. If he can’t separate reality from imagination, what has he become?

He opens his eyes and notices a _very real_ envelope. He opens it with trembling fingers and reads a small message scrabbled on it.

_We’re all okay if you’re wondering._

His breath catches in his throat and he clenches his fingers on paper. It’s real, it’s there, he can see it, _he can touch it-_

Small flames dance at the edges and the message slowly starts to fade away. He gasps loudly, sending his magic into it, stopping the fire, keeping it untouched. When it works out, he is left with a blackened piece of paper. _We’re all okay if you’re wondering. _He lets out a sob, a small smile appearing on his face. This is unreal, he can barely believe it but it’s _here._

“Magnus”, he whispers quietly, cradling the envelope in his rough hands. He lays on the pillows, staring at it like it could disappear any second. For the first time in years, he dozes off with a smile on his face, with no nightmares hunting him in his sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, he panics for a slight second because the letter is not on his bed anymore. He scrambles, frantically looking around for it and he notices it on the floor. It must’ve fallen from the bed but it’s still there. It’s not gone. He puts it on his nightstand and bites his lips. Should he be so excited? Does it mean he gets another message today? Is it going to be his new routine? He can’t wait to find out.

With this thought he proceeds to the kitchen, ready to make a breakfast for himself. He doesn’t notice a big grin forming on his face, his mind too busy with rushing thoughts.

The next week goes by and every day Alec is blessed with a single message which makes his heart roar in his chest. It’s thrilling to know Magnus is there but it’s equally heartbreaking to know he is as miserable as Alec is. With each message he wishes he could respond but he dismisses the thought after few seconds. It’s enough he can have this, he doesn’t want to lose it if he replies.

On Saturday evening, few days after the first letter, another envelope lands in Alec’s waiting hands. He smiles when he opens it, anticipation present on his features, and his heart sinks, the moment he realizes what is written on paper.

_Hi,_

_How are you? I wish you could respond._

There are thoughts rushing in his head when Alec tries to process his own stupidity. _Wish you could respond_, of course, he sighs. He should’ve known better than to believe in sudden heartfelt letters from his _dead _husband. He is such a fool. An angry sob escapes from between his lips, his body shaking with rage. They wanted to find him for so long, of course, they would use his biggest weakness against him. He lets out a disbelieving laugh, his fingers digging into his head.

“You are so fucking stupid, Alec”, he tells himself. “So fucking stupid”, he repeats, his voice breaking with each word. “How could they find you?”, he asks himself, gritting his teeth. He may be willing to die but he won’t _sure as fucking hell _die by the hands of people who brought this misery on him and his world. He could be alive for centuries and watch them all die out, just because he won’t give them this satisfaction. No way in hell.

He clenches his fist, staring as the flames swallow the letter. He summons all envelopes he hid in his drawer and sets them on fire, enjoying the view. If they know where he is, they will come for him. But if they don’t, he won’t let them. Keeping himself safe is the last thing he can do for Magnus. The last thing he can do for himself.

He burns every letter from now on, not bothering to look inside. It’s all bullshit after all. He couldn’t care less.

To his surprise, they don’t stop coming. Not in a week, not in a month. He watches them appear in his home and he watches them burn in front of his eyes every day. He admires the effort, he always knew Valentine wasn’t one to give up without trying.

There are so many terrifying things he did in the past but this kind of cruelty, the one that took his loved ones from him, the one that is now “giving them back”, is one of the worst. It played on his emotions and he was stupid enough to believe it.

His everyday routine stays the same: he mourns, he cries and eventually he falls asleep, exhausted. He barely notices seasons change because his world is burning, even here, in Paris, the war is daily life now.

It doesn’t seem like it could be over anytime soon.

_Izzy wanted me to go out. I yelled at her. I feel so bad, baby. But I would do it again._

The new message is already unfolded, the handwriting is messy, like someone couldn’t stop their hands from trembling. Alec looks at it, reading it for the first time in months and it’s, _again_, so easy to believe it’s real. But they could fake anything, they could know anything, it proves nothing. He knows better.

He burns it down.

_I visited the Palace Hotel. The view was amazing but it’s not the same without you. _

Alec stares at it for too long, clenching and unclenching his fists. Valentine wouldn’t know _that. _How could he?

He gulps loudly, his eyes hazy with tears, when he watches it disappear in flames.

_It’s so quiet without you._

The words stare at him and tears gather in his eyes. Something in his heart aches and he can’t bear the pain. He looks around, the emptiness of his loft matching the emptiness in his heart. Indeed, it’s too quiet without Magnus.

He doesn’t know what to believe in anymore.

_It hurts. Make it stop._

It breaks something in him. Seeing those words in his late husband’s handwriting is unbearable. Whether it’s Magnus’ or not, he doesn’t know anymore, it’s equally heartbreaking and he can’t handle it, falling to his knees while he is staring at paper. It is covered with dry tears and there is a print of _someone’s _thumb marked by black, smudged eyeliner. Would anyone devote so much time and effort to make him believe that?

The thought really hurts, he wishes it could stop.

_Sometimes I regret_

It’s all he gets. The letter is crumpled, it looks like someone hid it in their clenched fist before they decided to do anything with it. It’s obvious someone was crying while writing it.

“What do you regret, Magnus?”, he finds himself asking. His heart falls apart in his chest, eager to believe, _again_, who the words belong to.

In his long life it’s one of the things he wishes he could know. He wishes he could tell him all the things he regrets. The sorrow is sufficient to stop him from burning creased paper.

Maybe one day he will ask.

_Babe?_

_I miss you._

The words are so vivid on paper Alec _hears_ them in his head for hours. His imagination lulls him to sleep, his dreams filled with his husband’s face and his beautiful voice, a piece of paper safe in his hold.

_I keep seeing you in my nightmares. I want them to stop but I don’t want to lose you again._

He doesn’t have time to dwell on those words, the pain in his chest is too strong and it makes him lose consciousness. The letter is not here when he wakes up.

He cries a lot but he doesn’t remember the last day he sobbed so hard.

_Hey,_

_I always was a hopeless dreamer so I really hope you get those letters somehow._

He doesn’t have to hear it to know his husband let out a chuckle at his own words. It resonates in his head, reminding him of the best times. The times they were both happy and _alive_.

Oh, how Alec wishes he could hear them again.

_Hey,_

_I wish you were here with me._

Alec opens his mouth, the words dying on his tongue. He doesn’t need to say them out loud, no one is here to hear them. He summons paper and a pen, his hands moving slowly on the table when he writes his thoughts down. He folds it carefully and holds in his hands for few minutes before he finally decides on it. He closes his eyes and focuses on the last of energy that was brought with this message, his magic dances between his fingers, tracking down its owner.

Before he knows it, the letter is gone in the fire and he is left with the unknown.

_I wish you were here with me too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on twitter #TodayIAmFic

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to yell at me on twitter, #TodayIAmFic hashtag is yours to use!


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